You Might Also Like
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
necessity is the mother of invention
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.