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My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then