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Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I occasionally drink every single night.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.