Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

oh you like architecture? name three walls

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic