Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scream sneezers need love too.

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”