Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

this is the best interaction on twitter

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

“Let them fake cake”

Marie Internette

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL