Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.