Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
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thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
stand with me against insufficient seating
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
only 11 steps left
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong