Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

sweet dreams💖

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.