Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you