Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
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Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Not all heroes wear capes….
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door