Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
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30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”