Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
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Split the bill
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Called it
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?