Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
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*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey