Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.