Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

the best thing i’ve ever made

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.