Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

life lately

This makes total sense…