Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
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I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.