Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
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The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie