Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
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9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Cats are still liquid.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.