Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
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I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.