Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
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If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
some Old Testament wisdom
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?