Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

Ugh

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.