Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

🤭

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?