Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

it’s a van. how do they not know this

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL