Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name