Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

Passwords are more important than ever.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover