brian had himself a morning…
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[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
Google reviews are always so mixed..
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.