brian had himself a morning…
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Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
i think both sides are to blame here
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
nobody’s gonna understand
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Fruity
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
