Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

This meeting could have been a cake

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.