BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
