BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
