BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
How I’d get arrested…
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
sometimes i miss this memes
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
