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I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.