*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
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I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
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Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.