Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Pringles

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

birds and squirrels envy us

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.