*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
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If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
DOOO EEEET
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.