bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts
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If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Monday
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.