bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Catercrombie & Fish
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I’m sure it’s fine.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.