Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

live, laugh, laundry.

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

Smells like a challenge to me

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train