Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
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Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
can’t talk my ride’s here
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???