Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

Blew out my flip flop…

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”