Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

spot the difference

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”