I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
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“Thank you for coming.”
“It was mandatory.”
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way