@ChrisScarlette

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

You Might Also Like

@BriarSlyMalice

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

@kumailn

“Thank you for coming.”
“It was mandatory.”
#corporateshows

@ericsshadow

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

@imdaintyaf

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

@Rollinintheseat

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

@EverydayGirlDad

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

@MrsTomServo

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

@_davidlucas_

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

@SardonicTart

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

@TheHyyyype

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way