*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
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Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with