*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

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I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.


“Thank you for coming.”
“It was mandatory.”


How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?


I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.


Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.


As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.


“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist


I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.



“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.


friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection


guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way