BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
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“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.