Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂