Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho