Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

pat pat

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.