Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
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I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”