Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
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Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.