Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope