Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
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Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.