Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
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if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
me refusing to leave twitter
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.