Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.