Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

Not helping

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

opening twitter today