Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
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My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.