Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

mood

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Can’t. Being lazy.

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.