Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
You Might Also Like
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
This could be us but you eatin’
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?