Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
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My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
shazam but for random noises outside
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.