[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
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when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈