Brilliant!
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My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
when u come home smelling like another dog
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva