Brilliant!
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I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
