Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
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Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
