Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
You Might Also Like
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
🤣🤣🤣
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
If I ignore life will it go away?