Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
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*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Covid like
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship