Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

i want enemies

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH