Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

SONOFA

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Lucky old June.

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

i’m so sick of this guy

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening