Bring back the McRib
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How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.