“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
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So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent