“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
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H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
So sorry
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks