Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

every single time

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???