bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
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Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”