Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

When you try jalapeños for the first time

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

Ladies, why y’all do this?

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos