Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

Butt weight. There’s more!

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you