Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

I’m having an out of money experience.

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

*exercises sarcastically*

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately