Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
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Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*