Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
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[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
