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My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
How to draw a duck
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
🙂🐾
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank